Stolen Gift

We are pretty much moved into our new home, and with very few misplaced items, most of which are hiding in the 20+ boxes we have left in our cellar.

However, while we were moving, we had 1 item stolen.

An expensive item. 

That didn't belong to us.

We don't know how it happened.  It was a baby item.  Sitting on the carport of our old home with many other baby and nonbaby items--and not a single other item was taken.

I had to spend $211 to replace it.

I'm not going to lie.  My mind went through the things I could have spent that money on.  A plane ticket to see Mamie, Christmas gifts, bills, groceries, etc, the list really goes on and on.

But I've decided to view it as a gift, not so much to the people that I replaced the item, but to the person(s) who stole from us.  Apparently they had a need so great that they turned to desprate measures.  They saw something we had out, took it, and are, hopefully, using it to protect their child.

Stream of Randomness

I "deactivated" from facebook last week. 

This morning I was thinking about what my facebook status would be, something along the lines of 30 Days of Thankfulness, Day 15, and I was thankful for snuggles with my kids, specifically for snuggle time with Bro.  We spent the morning snuggled up in an oversized chair, wrapped in blankets and reading books.  After a week of sickness, visits to the ped, the ER, a stomach virus, and a PICU stay, things that left me questioning what I had done to anger the gods, I have been able to really be thankful for all the blessings in my life.

That is the reason I "deactivated".  So much of my life was spent thinking of the next good facebook status I could put up.  I'd rather spend that time with my family, or writing on this blog, documenting our life so I can have something to look back on years from now, when the kids are teenagers and I am no longer a SAHM. 

As I look around our new home, our first ever home to own, I am struck by items I have grown up with.  Pieces from my Gram's home, pieces from Mamie & Puppa's home.  Pieces from my parent's homes.  Thi shouse feels more like home than anywhere I have ever lived.  Maybe because it is our very own home, but it some ways I think it is more than that.  The second we walked into this house, over 6 months ago, Daddy P and I loved it.  We looked at many homes after it, but always came back to this one.  It is us, it exudes us.  The people we bought it from are wonderful too.

I talked with Mamie this morning, after days of trying to reach her by cell and by the phone in her room, I finally got through.  She's fading.  Still there, still Mamie, but dementia and alshezimer's is slowly penetrating.  I wish I could close my eyes and be there with her.  I want to see her before she doesn't know me.  She has moments on the phone where she gets confused about who I am, but I just go with it.  I know she knows I'm a person who loves her, and that is what really matters.  I keep searching for  a decently priced plane fair, so I can get up there, but they are few and far between, and will be even more difficult to come by during the next month.  It's hard, I want to see her now, and I want to also be there with her as she dies.  She has a fear of dying alone, and I want to be there for her, with her.  Financially I can't be there multiple times.  The question that I've strugged with in the past hits  again, is it better to be there while she's alive and consious, or wait and go be with her at the end?  *sigh*  the cycle of life.

Bro was in the PICU last week.  A short stay, but a stay nonetheless.   Anytime I watch him struggle to breath and watch as the nurses, dr's and respiratory therapists work with him (thankfully he's never had to be intubated),  I am pushed to a place of direct pleading with God.  "Please God let him be ok", is usually my prayer, and once he is better (I can always tell this when the room is cleared back out) my mind goes to the parents of children who aren't going to be ok, parents who have children that are seriously ill and parents who have no resources to take care of their children.  Even in the midst of a storm, we are blessed.   One thing I've learned through bro's trips to the ER and the hospital is that, though it may not seem it at the time, it is better to have to wait.  When you are pushed through, when Dr's, nurses and other's are surrounding you there is more to fear.  Waiting means they aren't so worried.

 Bro is sleeping now, which means I should get back to the pile of boxes awaiting me in the cellar.  The house is put together for the most part, but there are many small things missing, hiding amid the chaos in the basement.

6 Years!!!

Dear Mr. Monk,

Today, (well Sunday, 2 days ago), marks 6 years of wedded bliss for us.  Many people in our society don’t use the word bliss to describe marriage, and while every moment may not be blissful, our life together certainly is.  This is a beyond hectic time in our lives right now, and I usually try to write you a meaningful letter of sorts on our anniversary.  With our upcoming move, Grammy out of town and Grampy working at church, you sick, me sick, K sick, laundry, packing, making dinners, making lunches, trips to Wal-Mart, trips to Kroger, trips to various stores to look for items for our new home, sleep(less) nights, work trips, trips to Atlanta, I’ve been exhausted.  So have you.  So this letter is a bit different.  Our marriage by the numbers:

15 Months Dating

7 months of engagement

6 years of Marriage

111 weeks of pregnancy, 3 kids

4 ½ years of breastfeeding (and still going)

7 Vehicles:

Your Blazer, Your little blue truck

My Camry

Our RAV 4, Our Town & Country

The Saturn

The Mazda

4 home rentals

1 Dream, FOREVER, Home!!!

100’s of great dinners…100’s of not so great dinners

1000’s of disagreements & 1000’s of the same fight

3 time’s that we have held a precious newborn baby and thought we could never love anything more.

3 deaths of Grandparent’s.

1,000,000’s of tears (mostly mine)

ZERO:  The number of times I’ve ever wanted to give up.

1,000,000,000:  The amount of kisses given and received.

50:  The amount of anniversaries I dream of celebrating with you!

Mr. Monk, Daddy P, I love you with every ounce of my soul.  I love that you change diapers, and clean poop off of carpet.  I love that you bring me home chocolate, Diet Coke and a gossip magazine when I’ve had a bad day.  I love how you play with our children, and that you love to snuggle with them at night.  I love that you don’t’ scowl when you come home and see piles of laundry, toys and dishes, and that you don’t ask me what I’ve done all day on those days!

Thank you, for being you, and for loving me just the way I am.

In case you don’t know it, or need a reminder, you are The Very Best Daddy (and Husband) of all.

 

2 Years

Dear Kenny,

I'm missing you right now.  I miss you everyday, but the selling of the house, seeing your furniture in my own house, and Mom's house, and Drew's house, and knowing I can't go back to Vernon St the way it was again, is like opening up a wound.  In some ways I want to go back in time.  Back to the old days.  When you were sitting in the rocking chair watching the news.  When you brought Mary up her morning cup of tea and toast, even back to our last trip with you and Mary living in the house, when I brought you tea and toast.  I know we can't go back, only forward, and if we went back I wouldn't have my sweet boy, whom I can't imagine life without., but I also want you here.  I want to take the kids and let them enjoy Bart's Ice-Cream and then go to Sweeties and buy them chocolate.  I want to take a picnic lunch to your bench at Look Park, and have you and Mamie sit there with us. 

It's been 2 years now.  2 years since I called your house, while I was outside pushing the girls on the swings, and Mamie told me you had fallen again, and were at the hospital.  I still feel a twinge out at the swing set sometimes, and think of that phone call.  2 years since Daddy P & I decided to pack our bags and drive up to see you, to bring your namesake to meet you.   K wasn't even 1.  They didn't want her in your hospital room, and told me if I brought her in, that you couldn't touch her.  I told them that wasn't going to happen.  There are some decisions that are made, ones you make in a split second, or even after months of planning, that you regret.  Our decision to pack and leave and go to you is one I will never regret, and in fact tell people it was one of the best decisions I ever made.  I loved being with you those days.  We delayed our return, and then delayed it again, just to have a little more time with you and with Mamie. 

I'd love a little more time now too.  We were more than blessed with a wonderful relationship and amazing times together, and for those years, really a lifetime of memories, I'm eternally thankful, greatful, etc..., but tonight I miss you.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

My Grandparent's house sold after being on the market for 3 days.  I never even wanted it to go on the market, and was filled with angst about it, so perhaps it was a blessing to go so quick.

I always said that I wanted to make one last trip to the house before it sold, and in a way I did.  Not the way I planned, but apparently God is a better planner than I, because in all honesty if I had known my last trip was my "last" trip I might not have left would have had a really hard time leaving.

I spent many, many, many days and night's at my Grandparent's house.  I remember the old back porch, kitchen and downstairs bedroom.  Even as a child I was sentimental.  I didn't want their house to change and campaigned against the updated look.  I knew it inside and out.  I knew right where ole Dibber the dog was buried, even though the exact spot is now under lots and lots of foliage.  When I was a little girl I knew where the best blackberries were, knew the best path down through the woods, over the creek and to the football field, figured out early on how to climb on the playhouse roof and how to peek through the fence at the pool next door.

I remember "helping" Mamie & Puppa in the garden.  The long stalks of rhubarb and the scent of the tomato plants. I remember Easter Egg hunts, and our visit the summer of Puppa's next to last birthday, though none of us knew it was his next to last at the time.  I remember the pictures of Puppa's football teams lining the staircase, and the first time I saw G, and then G & K climbing up and down those stairs.  My brother and I spent many nights fighting sleep in my Uncle's old bedroom, and broke a window at one point, by throwing something that shouldn't have been thrown.  I'm sure Mamie & Puppa were more than a little aggravated by that, and the time we broke a lamp by the stairs, and the time I sent Uncle D out onto the sunlight in the kitchen to "clean" it........and the list could go on and on.  If they were (and as an adult I can't imagine them not) aggravated by the endless list, we never knew it.  We were always welcomed back with open arms.  It was our home, and we knew it.  Over the bed in the room Uncle D and I shared when we were there was a cross stitch in a frame, done by my Great Grandmother.  "Come to our house for a week or a day, come to our house and don't go away"  My memories of Vernon St. cover all the decades of my life, and though the loss of our home is hard, the wonderful memories of a house filled with love sooths the loss. 

I flew up very suddenly a few months ago, and stayed there, right in Mamie & Puppa's old room.  Bro took a bath in the tub where I was bathed as a baby, and I breathed in the old familiar scent of the house.  I sat in Puppa's "cubby" and just looked at his things.  When it was time for me to go, to leave the house, and say goodbye to Mamie, my focus had to be on Bro, returning the rental car and surviving the flight home (I was sick with the flu, though I didn't know it at the time).  I had no time to think about anything other than my next step, and in a very odd sense feel this was all in God's plan.  If I had known it was my last time, it would have been difficult to walk out the door.

 Since shortly after the death of my Grandfather, the house has sat empty for the majority of the time. Mamie tried to live there after he was gone, but it just wasn't safe, and the time came for her to be moved.  I've been thinking about the saying, "Home is where the heart is", and Vernon St, though much loved by myself, had lost it's heart.  Our family was and is the heart of Vernon St and I can now I can see bits and pieces of it in my own home, in my parent's home, in my brother's home and even in my Aunt's and Uncle's home.

So long Vernon St.  It's been a good 30+ year run! (for me--the house itself was built in 1844)

Bro is 1!

Dear Bro,

I sit here nursing you tonight and wonder how a year can pass so quickly.  I remember the moments leading up to your birth with so much clarity, then remember seeing you for a moment and having you wisked away from me, finally getting to my room and waiting, waiting and waiting to hold you.  After your sister's were born I had them with me.  I had to wait, an agonizing wait, for you.  Six hours after you were born I was able to hold you.  My sweet baby boy.  Before you were born I didn't know what I would do with a boy, and once you got here I didn't ,and still don't,  know  what we would do without you. 

You were the smallest of my babies, weighing in at a mere 6 lbs and 5oz, but at 1 year you out weigh your sister's 1 year stats by at least 2 pounds. 

Weight:  Around 20lbs
Height:

• You wear a size 4 diaper.  Technically you can still wear a size 3 diaper, but K wears a 4, and it's easier if you guys have the same size ;)
• You have 6 teeth!  You have (MANY)  more teeth than either of your sister's did at this age.
• You wear size 12 month clothes.  18 month things are far to big, while most 9 month items are too small. 
• You are walking without any hesitation.  You took your first steps at 10 months, and can now run, climb and get anywhere you want to be.
• You are very verbal, and can say Mama, Dada, Dog, bark :). 
• You love to give kisses, but will only give them to girls or Cody!  Though I did see you give one to Daddy yesterday!
• You want to do everything your sister's do.  When they play out on the carport and I don't let you out with them, you get SO mad!
• You are all boy! You love to hammer, you love balls, you love when we roughhouse with you and you love cars.
• Some of your favorite foods are:  strawberries, blueberries, pasta, cherrio's, peanut butter crackers,  YoBaby Yogurt, chicken, rice.
• You are still nursing.
• I nurse you to sleep and then you sleep in a cosleeper until you get hungry and then you nurse.  I don't usually even wake up. 
• You have never taken a paci.
• You've never had a bottle. 
• You drink water out of a cup.
• You LOVE to take baths and take almost every bath with me.  At times you will take a bath with G&K, or a shower with Daddy.

Bro, my little hershey puff, the nickname given to you by G, there is so much I want to remember about your first year.  I wish I had documented each month, but life has been insanly busy and I've been so involved in living it that I haven't had time to write about it.  You are such an easy baby.  After your first few months of life and a few hospital visits and scares, you have been a healthy boy.  You don't cry much at all, and have an adorable smile and laugh. 

We all love you Hershey Puff, more than you will ever know. 

5 Years!!!

Dear Mr. Monk (aka Daddy P),

Our story really began 7 years and some months ago.

I had just accepted a job at Atlanta Regional.  I was all set to start, when Lee offered me a job much closer to home and I accepted.  July 1 I started.  You were just back from Iraq, and had a job somewhere else, my memory fails me, but something happened (divine intervention), and  you ended up at "Batty General" too.

I still remember the first time I ever laid eyes on you ;)  You were walking into ASTU with our
best friend, well not quite, Renate, getting ready to interview or something.  You started October 1.

It's funny to think about ALL the rumors that went around about us, before we were even dating.  I remember our other "best friend" calling us in to his office to ask us about them.  At that time we were able to legitimately able to say there was nothing going on between us, though, apparently, the staff of ASTU knew so much better than us ;)  If they could only see us now!

During the past 5 years you have not only seen me at my best, but my worst.  And  my saddest, my most hurt, my most irritated, my most hormonal (yes I admit I may be hormonal at times),  my maddest, my most scared, the list goes on and on, and yet you are here, still standing by me at every moment, still loving me.

Getting married in itself was pretty easy; Mom did everything and we simply nodded our heads yes or no.  It was the best wedding I've ever been too.  Marriage is much more complicated.  In a very good way, most of the time, but still complicated.  Throw having 3 kids in 3 years, (G was born in March 08, Bro in April 11) and it becomes more complicated.  Add in Daddy P getting up at 5am every day, driving to A town, working in his cube all day, then fighting the horrible traffic back to us, read all about that here, (still all applies) and me being exhausted (remember our 3, 2 & 6 month old)and sometimes grumpy, when he does get home.  It's not a set up for sunshine and rainbows.

Except,

we do have sunshine and rainbows.  Not every moment of every day, but more moments of sun than rain each day, and the ones that I remember are the good ones.

Some people, probably the majority, think we are crazy for having our kids in our room with us.  More often than not there's at least 1 little body snuggled up between us at night.  I can't even think of the last "full" night sleep either of us got.  But it works for us, and I love that.  I love that without even talking about it, we think the same thing, that the days of having our little ones safe and secure in our room at night, or of having a little snugly body in between of us, are finite.  These days, with all the stresses of them, won't last long, and we both want to soak in every moment.  I'm so lucky, well lucky doesn't quite cover it, I'm blessed to have you by my side, in perfect agreement with me, with no discussions having taking place. 

I love you for loving me:

• when you come home from work and I'm still in my pj's, usually covered in spit up and boogies, sometimes with my teeth still not brushed.
• when i snap at you for no reason at all, and then don't say i'm sorry
• for helping me do the right thing, when it's something I don't want to do at all.
• for encouraging me to stand up for myself and our children, even though it may cause some drama ;0
• for always having time me
• for putting up with my laundry/dishwasher mania.  i know i like it done my way and  not yours, and I try to appreciate it when you help me out.
• for letting me have my quiet bath time each night. 

I could write so much more, but all 3 of our sweet babies are crawling on me now, 2 want to nurse and 1 wants to be pretend.  I'll let you guess who's doing what.

Thanks for marrying me Mr. Monk, but more than that, thanks for loving me day in and day out, when I'm "Sunshine and Rainbows", and when I'm, um, not so much sunshine and rainbows!

9/11/2001

I was supposed to get married in August 2001. 

Instead I had called off my engagement, and decided to move to NYC for an internship.  I finished my classes at GSU and set off on a new adventure.  One in New York City.  Working with people who were living, and dying, with AIDS.

My internship was scheduled to start Sept 10.  At a place called Rivington House.  On the lower east side; close to Little Italy.  When I visited Rivington House for the first time Vinny, the Recreation Therapy Manager took me up to the roof to show me the view.  There was a perfect view of the Twin Towers, and a variety of other buildings.  I was amazed.  I couldn't wait to start, and not just because of the view. 

Vinny called me a week before Sept 10th, my intended start date, and asked if I could delay a week so I could start at the same time as the other intern.  I was happy to wait, and spent that week in Northampton with Mamie & Kenny.

On the morning of September 11, I was awoken by my phone ringing and ringing.  It wouldn't stop.  I was SO annoyed and didn't know why it was ringing like that, that early in the morning.  Finally I picked up and it was a friend of mine telling me to look out my window--which I did, and saw good ole Vernon St, the same as it ever was.  Everyone thought I was in NYC, starting my internship though.  What I learned quickly was that something was happening in New York City, something no one could understand. 

I went downstairs and sat on the couch, while Kenny sat in his rocking chair, Mamie in Kenny's big green chair--doing a crossword, and we all watched as a second plane flew into one of the towers.  I was in shock, and remember asking Kenny what was happening.  We then watched as one, then both of the towers collapsed.  My boyfriend at the time was a reporter, living in New York City, and I called him to see if he was ok, and to find out more details.  They were slow to come.  Everyone was confused.  Cell phone lines were tied up.  People were running, trying to leave the city in anyway possible.

Less than a week later I was headed into the city.  I didn't really understand what had happened, nor the impact of what had happened.  That first night as we drove into the city we were stopped at a check point.  It was a Sunday evening.  I started my internship the next morning.

Though I was born and raised in upstate New York, I was far from a "city girl".  The subways terrified me and I didn't go out after dark (this only lasted for about a month), but now the city I had just moved to had just suffered a terrorist attack.  Things I had never, and have never since experienced became my new normal.  Getting off the train in the lower east side, walking up the subway stairs, the stench would immediately hit one.  It wasn't just a stench of fire, or something that had burnt up, it was the stench of death.  Of decaying bodies.  Some days it was better than others, and some days so much worse.  Then there were the missing persons posters.  Thousands of them.  Covering the walls and stairwells. 

"Last seen September 11, 2001, going into ......"

Things like that were hard.  I still remember the smell.

Other things were scary, like the armed military soldiers, with guns as long as I was tall in the subways.  Police on every corner.

I took a shower every morning before heading into my internship, but also had to take a shower each night.  Being exposed to the air, just a few blocks from the World Trade Center site, left me dirty.  Dirty enough to darken an entire white washcloth.  My hair was disgusting.  I had it cut to just 1 inch all over, and it was still filthy at the end of each day.  I had to stop wearing my contact lenses due to chronic eye infections.  I had chronic sinus infections, and without a doctor in NYC, kept calling my primary care doc back home (he finally told me I had to find a doctor in the city).

On top of living in a city that had just been attacked by terrorists, I was dealing with death every day.  Working with people who were living with AIDS.  Dying from it.  If you've ever seen someone dying from AIDS or AIDS related complex, you know it's not a gentle passing.  It's a horrible, painful, and frightening to watch.  I still remember the ones I worked with who died.  Their suffering.  Things that made them smile.

My brief time in New York City has shaped the person I am today.  The Mother I am today. 

I always wonder what it would have been like if I had started my internship on September 10th.  I would have been blocks away from the attack.  I thank God for the blessing of putting my internship off 1 week. 

Bro is 5 Months!!!

Dear Bro,

Today you are 5 Months old! 

Weight:  16 lbs
Height:  24.5 inches

• You wear a size 3 diaper
• You wear size 6-9 month clothes
• You are a rolly polly little man and roll from your back to your stomach and your stomach to your back.  The only place we can leave you is on the floor, you move SO much!
• You creep along on your stomach, not what I would call a crawl yet, but you are definitely moving along on your tummy, powered by your little feet.
• You love to be in a standing position.  You stood holding onto your exersaucer just the other day, all by yourself, for over a minute!
• You coo and babble all the time.  You love to "talk", and you say "Ma", "Mamma" when you want me, you are the earliest of my babies to say Mama--you started this a full month ago!!!
• You play with lots of toys!  Some of your favorites include:  your blue O ball, your "taggie" blanket that your honorary "Aunt" P gave you, and anything else you can put into your mouth!
• You still don't really take a passy!  Sometimes you will take one, but you aren't a real passy baby.
• You have never had a bottle.
• You LOVE to nurse and would nurse all day long if I let you!  And I would let you, but with your 2 sisters around I have to put you down sometimes!

Fright Night & Our Gift

I'm not a Mom who lets things go.  I notice right away if one of my kids is feeling off and have a great relationship with the nurses at Dr. Mommy Love's office.  I call them with questions and concerns frequently and love knowing them all on a first name basis.  I also love that they know my children on a first name basis and love my  children.

Saturday night Bro wasn't feeling great.  He is 4 1/2 months old (yes I'm a bit late in posting his 4 month letter, I know) so he got some Tylenol, 1 ml of benadryl and a breathing treatment.  He wasn't even that wheezy.  But somehow I knew he needed it.

At 11pm he started gasping for air.  Not the type of gasping where I needed to put him in the bathroom with steam or open the freezer door.  The type of gasping where I put him in his car seat and raced to the ER.  I didn't even put on clothes.  I was in my jammies.    Just my nightgown.  There wasn't time.  Daddy P couldnt' come with me.  G & K were sleeping and instinctively I knew we couldn't wait for Grampy to get here.  I wasn't panicked, I wasn't thinking about what could happen, or what would happen, I was 100% focused on getting him to the hospital.

I walked into the ER doors, and quickly, but calmly, went to the check in desk.

"My baby is having trouble breathing"

I didn't have to check in, didn't have to fill out any paper work, nothing.  A nurse took Bro from my arms, and immediately took me to the back.  There were no private rooms, so we were put into room with 2 others, just a curtain separating the beds.  Things went quickly from there.  Bro went from bad to worse.  He was given oral steroids and 2 special breathing treatments.  We were never left alone.  There was always a nurse, respiratory therapist or Doctor (and frequently all 3) with us. 

I don't remember a lot from my time working with medically fragile children, but I do know that a reading of 48 on a pulse ox machine is not good.  Bro's feet turned purple.  Daddy P got there and had to hold Bro.  I still wasn't grasping the severity of the situation.  Just breathing to get through each minute.  At first we were told we would be there for 3-4 hours, then we were going to be admitted, and then finally told we were going to be transferred to the Children's Hospital....over an hour away.  People say time stands still, but for me everything was going in fast forward. 

We made it to the Children's hospital in 45 minutes.  Daddy P driving behind us in the minivan, me in the ambulance with Bro.  At first we were going to wait for an ambulance from the Children's Hospital to come to us, but then the Drs decided there was no time, so off we went.  Sirens blaring & lights flashing.  I'm still amazed at how calm I was.

Bro received several more breathing treatments and oral medications was able to be taken off the oxygen he was on and admitted to the hospital. 

He's still not himself, but he's home, with us.

Now, that's it's night, that everyone here is sleeping, it's hitting me.  People don't go to the ER expecting their child to die, but it happens.  Our situation could have very easily gone the other way.  Bro could have died.  I've read blogs where that has happened.  In hind sight I can see that even the Doctor's, nurses and RT's were worried.  They NEVER left us.

Life is a precious gift.  After a week filled with tantrums--by both the girls AND Mommy, I was given a reminder of just how precious it is.

A Letter

Dear Kenny,

You always loved a good letter.  I'm sorry I didn't write more of them to you.  I have drawers and drawers full of letters you wrote to me and I love to read them now.  It's funny how the things you say are timeless.  Things you wrote to me years and years ago I can apply to my life now. 

It's been over a year since you died, and I still miss you so much I sometimes can't believe it.  Now I know first hand that you wouldn't want me to sit around being depressed, and I don't do that, but there are times that I'm hit with waves of grief.  Certain smells immediately send my mind to you.  Things like your aftershave, the band aid aisle at CVS (silly I know).  Football season is starting up, and that hits a nerve.  Not as bad as last year, but it still makes me think of you.  Thankfully I have Daddy P, who keeps me in the football loop.  He reminds me so much of you.  His uncle was visiting the other night and they sat in the living room, drinking beer, talking about sports and politics.  It reminded me of being in your living room.

After you died I dreamed about you every night.  For almost 8 months.  Of you dying, again and again.  They weren't the best dreams in the world.  Then they stopped.  You were still close by though--I know that from the night Bro was born.  You were there keeping me calm, I could feel you.   This week I've started dreaming about you again.  Good dreams though.  We're at  Higgins.  Sitting on the porch of the Inn, sculling out in the freezing cold water :)  I wake up happy.

Death & grief are things I thought I understood, after all I worked with people who were dying, and died, for over 3 years.  I'm learning more about it each day.  You were the first person in my family to die.  The first person I knew and was close to anyway.  Our connection was and is strong though.

Life is calling me--well Bro is anyway, and I'm laughing remembering a time you were at the condo on SSI and got a "shower" you weren't expecting.

Wonderful Wednesday

I'm not having the best week.  Just little things that add up to me being on edge so I'm happy to have a reason to list some wonderful things!

7 Wonderful Things in my Life Right Now:

1.  Diet Coke.  I'm currently out of it, but I love Diet Coke.  I love that my husband doesn't give me flack for drinking too many a day.  For right now it's my addiction and as addictions go, it's not the worst thing in the world to be addicted to.  And it gives me energy.

2.  Infants Tylenol.  K is having a hard time, and I think it's because of her 2 year molars coming in and allergies.  Infants Tylenol seems to take the edge off for her.

3.  G's PreK 3 teacher.  Because of her I have no , well very few, problems sending her to school each day.  G is happy to go each morning, which makes me happy, well happier, to send her.  I still miss her, but am happy that she is happy and love having some quality time with K each morning.

4.  Tandem nursing.  1 boob that produces enough for them both.  Nursing both Bro & K lets me have quiet, one on one time with each of them.  It forces me to sit down and be still with my children. 

5.  Sprout, more specifically the fact that it has Barney playing from 1-4am each morning.  So when K has been having a cry, kick, scream, fest  hard time in the wee hours Barney is there.  And Barney calms distracts her enough for me to doze.

6.  Insecticide & Pesticide.  No I do not want my children running in a yard full of chemicals, but I have chosen the chemicals over the stinging and painful biting insects that were in my yard.  After G got stung by a yellow jacket one day and Daddy P got stung by a wasp the next, and the next day I saw a "Cow Killer Ant"  I was ready to spread Agent Orange in the area around my house if it took it.  No more running around barefoot outside, but we haven't had any incidents since then.

7.  Cool(er) mornings.  They are so nice.

10 on Tuesday

1. What do you do for a living?
CEO of the P family.

2. What’s your favorite thing about your job?
I never have the same day. I'm home with my children, I am the one who knows when they are sick first, who witnesses every little achievement and every little mistake. I know everything about them right now and I love that; I don't hear anything about them second hand.

3. What’s your least favorite thing about your job?
Poop. I hate poop.

4. If you weren’t a ____________, what would you be?
I'd love to be a nurse. Maybe someday, but that would entail going back to school, which I don't love.

5. What is something that you would love to get paid for that you think no one would ever pay you for?
Um, my current job! I wish I got paid actual money for it! What I get is worth more than money, but money is what pays for food, medicine and gas, to name a few thins!

6. If you could have any job for exactly one day, what would it be?
Hmmm, I'd have to think about this one and come back. I'm really not sure.

7. If you had to do manual labor, what would you do?
Lawn care? I like mowing our lawn. It's pretty small though, and I'm sure mowing all day every day would get hard!

8. What is something you were forced to learn in high school that was supposed to be super important, but you never actually use?
Math. To be specific anything dealing with more than basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. I hated fractions and I don't ever use them.

9. Who was your favorite boss?
My current boss, Daddy P ;)

10. Where would you rather work: Dunder Mifflin Paper Company (The Office), Wernham Hogg Paper Company (The Office, UK), or Initech (Office Space)?
I think these are TV shows, but I've never seen any of them, so I have no clue

You can find more 10 on Tuesday here :)

Wonderful Wednesday

I don't put pictures up on my blog anymore so I can't do Wordless Wednesday, but I like the idea of Wonderful Wednesdays.  There's always SO much going on in my life and in the world that sometimes it can be difficult to focus on what is wonderful in my life and the world!

7 Wonderful things in my life right now:

 My hubby's new used car.  It's a 1993 Mazda Protege with only 35K on it!

Tomatoes fresh from our garden!  Yummy!

Central Air

Our blow up pool.

Bubble machines!

Blankets that can be made into anything 3 little girls can imagine and keep them occupied inside for hours!

New  used appliances that rock!

10 on Tuesday

1. Do you do laundry all at the same time or a load here and there?
I do at least one load a day.  If I don't it all adds up and I spend the weekend doing it.

2. What kind of detergent do you use?
Purex Baby.  I love the way it smells!

3. Do you use fabric softener?
Nope.

4. Do you use dryer sheets?
Yes, right now I'm using Gain and I love the way it smells.

5. Do you iron your own clothes or take them to a cleaner to get pressed?
I don't iron anything, but Daddy P likes everything ironed.  I would love to take them to a cleaner, but for now we do them at home.

6. Do you like heavy starch or light starch?
I don't know....

7. Do you wash all your laundry at once or separate it?
I always separate it!

8. How do you separate it? By people or by colors?
By color. Lights and darks.

9. What clothes get hung up and what goes in drawers?
Dresses, skirts and Daddy P's work clothes get hung up; everything else goes in drawers.

10. Do you use plastic, wire, or wooden hangers? Do they all match?
We have some wood, but mostly white plastic.  I HATE wire hangers!

Bonus: 
I am scared to death to leave the house with the dryer on!

You can find more 10 on Tuesday here

K is 2!!!

Dear K,
2 years ago today you came into our lives, almost on the exact minute of my birthday,  and things haven't been the same since!  You fill up our days with lots of smiles, lots of screams, and most of all, lots of love!  In so many ways you are much more independent than your sister G was at the same age, and in many ways you are so much more a baby than she was.  You have a strong personality, you know what you want, when you want it, how you want it, and if you don't get it just like you want it you make sure everyone knows!  On the opposite side of the spectrum you are still very much my baby in the sense that when you want Mommy, nothing else will please you.  You love to snuggle up with me while you sleep, and what would a night be without waking up for a midnight "nursey"  You thrive on routine.  Bedtime is 8pm sharp, with Daddy rocking you to sleep, waking around 6 and climbing into bed with Mommy (if you're not already there), naps between 1:30 and 2:30pm every day.

Sweet K, it is hard to express how much I love you!  You are strong willed and temperamental, but also have an amazing caring side.  If G wants something you have, you may fight with her for a bit, but then you're quick to give her exactly what she wants.  If she is crying you are quick to give her "love".  If Bro needs something you come to find me or take care of his need yourself!  Each bit of your personality endears you to me.  I hope you always know how very much you are, always have been, and always will be loved!

Weight:  24lbs
Height: 

• You wear a size 4 diaper.  You've gone in the potty multiple times, but only when you want or ask.  We're going to wait to start potty triaing!
• You can still wear a few 12 month items, but wear mostly 18-24 month clothes, with a few 2t's scattered in!
• You have all your teeth and you LOVE to brush them!
• You are very attached to your "banky" & bunny lovey.  You love to wrap yourself up in your blanket and sleep with it close to you!
• You call G, "G" :)
• You call Bro, "Bro"
• You are SO happy when Daddy P comes home and run to the door or to him and squeal "Daddyyyyyyyy"
• You love to play with your dolls.  "Baby" gets her diaper changed frequently, her clothes changed frequently, and she loves to swing in Bro's swing. 
• You love to play in your pretend kitchen and will bring me "tea" and snacks!
• You love chocolate, but don't eat much  of anything else!  You'll eat Cheerios's, a bite or two of yogurt, chicken nuggets, and small amounts of other things. 
• You're still nursing, and pretty frequently, so I don't worry about your eating (too much ;)
• You enjoy spending Sunday afternoons with Grammy & Grampy.  I think you like the one to one attention, playing with toys all by yourself, and getting to do special things with them.
• You are speaking in sentences!  Your first 3 word phrase was "Hold me please".  Other things you say are:  G, Woof, Cat, Doggy, Mommy, Mom, Daddy, pwease, NO, Up, Book, read, barney, 1, 2, Maizie, Pas (for passy) and so many more!
• You can point to all your body parts, including elbow & shoulder!
• You love Micky Mouse Clubhouse, Barney & Maizie.
• You are a climber and have NO fear at all!!!  You will climb, scale and/or jump off of anything!
• You love shoes!

You are growing by leaps and bounds and I can't wait to see where the next year takes you!!!

Friends

I've been thinking about friends & friendships lately.  I've been blessed with super best friends throughout my life.

My first BFF was a girl named Kelly.  We were babies together, our Mother's were friends (probably in the same way I'm friends with my 2 bff's now) and went to preschool, and grades 1-3 together.  We don't keep in touch, but I saw here about 10 years ago while I was living in NYC and we were very similar.  We even ordered the same thing at a restaurant! 

My second BFF was a girl named Heather.  I met her just after moving to a new city, right before going into the 6th grade.  We were quick friends and stayed close through my junior high years.  I moved away after 9th grade, but we still remained close through high school & college.  We didn't see each other for years on end, and often didn't speak for months at a time--not because of fights, just because of life, but when we did talk, it was like old times.  I've seen her 2x in the past several years and we're still close and can still talk.  Now we keep up through facebook, which is great!

I didn't have a close friend in high school.  No one that I look back on and think, oh yes, she was my BFF.  I lived in a small, small, town.  One that wasn't open or accepting of newcomers and I was a newcomer.  I didn't grow up with the "in" girls, and these same girls, the "nice" ones, already had BFF's, and ones that they had gone to preschool with.  I don't feel slighted or sad now though :)  The time I lived there was a very short time period.

In college my roommate Serena and I were very close, then not, then very close.  We had a close relationship, and would get aggravated with one another from time to time.  I regret all the silly little things that caused us agnst back then, but am happy that we are able to keep in touch now, again via facebook.  I also met one of my best besties in college too.  Mary and I were inseparable during my last 2 college years and beyond.  I still keep in touch with her, though, kids & distance have made it difficult for me to stay in close contact with her.

Now I have 2 friends that I consider my BFF's.  These are friends of a different sort, friends I met through our children, "Mommy" friends, but friends that seem more important to me than any others.  These aren't friends that I'm telling who my current crush is, these are friends who I would and have trusted my children with.  Friends who have left their children at home with their husbands and taken care of mine with no notice at all.  Friends who have rushed to be with me, for HOURS, when Bro was hospitalized.  Friends who I can call and confide in.  About anything.  And everything.  Friends who I can cry to, laugh with, and most importantly understand what I'm going through.  These 2 friends are amazing and I hope will be in my life for a very long time!  My Mom and her BFF from when I was a little girl still stay in touch, only from time to time, but still in touch, and I can only hope my 2 current BFF's and I will be the same!

Bro is 3 Months Old!!!

Dear Bro,
Today you are 3 months old.  It's amazing how fast the past 3 months have gone.  Before you were born, even before we knew you were a boy I was frightened of the prospect of a son.  I didn't know what I would do with a boy.  I thought having a boy would rock my world.  And it has, but in a very good way!!!  I am in love with you in a way I never imagined.  From your emergency entry into this world, to your hospital visits, to your little smiles, the sweet way you coo and "talk" to us, to the way you follow me with your entire body when someone else is holding you, every little thing you do makes me fall more in love with you.  I recently read an article about first time mothers and one thing that stuck home to me was the statement "we are all first time Moms, even with our 2nd, 3rd 4th children"  You are my 3rd child, but I am a first time Mommy of 3& a first time Mommy of a boy.  Though I've experienced many things before, it's my first time to experience them with you and they are all special and memorable!

To me 3 months marks the end of the newborn stage.  I've tried to taken in every little moment with you, because most likely I will not hold another newborn that grew inside me.  I won't be up late at night nursing a teeny little baby, nor will I change another teeny little diaper.  While this does make me sad, I look forward to all the things I have yet to experience as a mother!

3 Month Stats:

Weight:  14.6 lbs!!!  My biggest baby by far at this stage!!! (And you have already doubled your birth weight)
Height:

• You are wearing size 2 diapers!  We still have 1-2's left, but they are far too small for you!  Daddy put a size 4 diaper on you (one of  K's) by accident, and though it was big on you, it wasn't HUGE!
• You are wearing  a few size 3 month items, and a mixture of 3-6 months and 6-9 month clothing.  I just did a load of 9 month clothes to have in your drawer for when we need them.
• You sleep from 9 or 9:30 pm to at least 5 am, sometimes longer.
• You roll from your tummy to your back and from your back to your tummy (though I've never seen you roll from your back to your tummy, you do it every night in your sleep!)
• You have yet to even try a bottle.  They are all packed up.
• You will take a paci for very short amounts of time, though your sisters, especially K, try to put one in your mouth.
• You love to lay on your play mat and play with "Mr. Octopus"
• You want to stand.  If someone is holding you, you try to stay in a standing position.  You can bear weight on your legs. 
• We've tried you in the exersaucer for small amounts of time and you LOVE it.
• You are smothered covered with kisses and love from G & K.  They love you, they love to hold you, they love the change you, they love everything about you!
• You have reflux, but most of the time it doesn't hurt you.  You just spit up a lot!  Grampy even keeps an extra church shirt in his car!
• You are still a super nurser!  Your favorite position to be nursed is in the side lying position. 
• Everywhere you go with your Daddy people say you are a little version of him!  You have his long eyelashes, just like your sisters!

Into the great wide open....

Dear G,

Tomorrow Vacation Bible School starts.  The plan is for you to go from 9-12 each morning this week.  I'm scared to death excited at the fact that this will be your first experience away from home for any length of time.  Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about not having you in my care. 

Granted you've been away from me before~ you've stayed in the nursery at MOPS, with Grammy & Grampy when K & Bro were born  and had a babysitter for a few hours while Bro was in the hospital.  This will be the first time that I take you somewhere, drop you off and leave you in the capable care of one of my very best friends.  :)  One of the few reasons I'll be able to leave and not have super crazy anxiety is because your "teacher" will be Ms. P, one of my very best friends, who has known you since you were 4 months old.  M, your best friend, and her daughter, will also be there, as will A, another one of your friends and the daughter of another of my very best friends.

I know you will have fun and will talk about how much you loved it when you get home.  I also know you will cry & be sad when K, Bro & I leave.  That will break my heart into pieces.  You are so much like me and I know exactly how you will be feeling, which will make it even harder for me to leave, but in the end I know you will have fun and I know you will have fun.

For now though, as I'm sitting here holding you in my lap, I'm dreading tomorrow, and all the other times that I have to take you somewhere, drop you off and leave.  It's amazing to me that 3 years is all I had with you at home with me.

I love you my sweet G, and I know that even though you'll be nervous and even a bit scared at first, that you'll have fun. (And if you're not I know that Ms. P will call or text me to come and get you!)

Bro: 10 Weeks Old

Dear Bro,

Your last update was when you turned 1 month old; I had planned on updating again when you were 2 Months old, but you really rocked my world between weeks 6-8 and I'm just getting back to normal now! 

At your 2 Month 10 week well baby visit your stats were:

Weight:  12lbs 60z
Height:  21.5 inches

You are doing all sorts of amazing things!

• You are wearing size 1, 1-2 & 2 diapers.  I have a mixture of these diaper sizes.  We are finishing up the Size 1's and once they are gone we won't buy anymore!  The size we use most are Size 1-2's, and Grammy & Grampy have size 2's at their house, so when you need a diaper change there that's what you get :)
• You are wearing size 0-3 & 3-6 Month clothing. 
• You are laughing, smiling & cooing at all sort of things now!  I love to see how alert you are when you are awake!
• You don't like to be on your tummy and when I put you on it you simply roll to your back~you've been doing this for a while, but now you do it the instant I put you on your tummy!
• You LOVE your sisters.  You stare at them, laugh at them and let them hold you and cover you with kisses without so much as a bit of a protest.
• You are a Mommy's boy and want to be held by ME almost all the time.  I happily oblige you, and hand you over to your "real" Mommy, G, when she asks ;)
• You spit up ALOT, but are growing like a champ, so we're not bothered by it~I just make sure to have something close by me at all times!
• You LOVE to take baths and take one with me almost every night....some nights (whenever they see you in the tub with me) your sisters jump in too.  You laugh and coo in the tub!
• You still haven't had a bottle and refuse to take a pacifier.
• You are sleeping in a co-sleeper right next to me.
• You are the spitting image of your Daddy!

Bro, I love you more than I ever could have imagined.  You are the BEST baby.  The only time you cry is when you are hungry, wet/dirty or have been hurt.  You are content to sit in your swing, lay on the floor, but are happiest when being held by Mommy.  I love to sit and hold you and breath you in.  You are growing SO fast and I want to etch every moment into my memory!