8 Things

Recently there’s been a facebook game per say.  Like someone’s post and they’ll give you a number.  That number indicates the number of facts you disclose about yourself, supposedly things people don’t know about you.  I did a fb appropriate version of this list, but have spent a lot of time thinking about things people may or may not know about me.  I was given the number 8.

All I ever dreamed about was being a stay at home Mom.  I am living my dream right now, but next year Stuart will go to preschool part time and I am not ready for it.  I am not ready for this stage of my life to be over.  I love it.  Everything about it.  Even the poopy stuff, which there is a lot of, in more ways than one ;)  I feel like I waited my entire life to be a stay at home mom, then blinked and it’s about to be over.  I know the kids will always need me, but it will never be the same.  I would love to have more children, but don’t’ think Daddy P and I will.  Bro keeps me on my toes with his airway issues and I already feel guilty when I’m holding one child and another one needs or wants me.  The thought of being done forever is heartbreaking for me though.  I am so blessed with the children I have, and I realize that, but I don’t think I’m a woman who will ever feel done. 

I wear flip flops year round.  I hate wearing shoes other than them and I think I’ve rubbed off on the kiddos, who I  often find barefoot—outside, in the car, K usually wants her shoes off at school.

I am extremely insecure in certain aspects of myself. 

 I am constantly comparing myself to others and seeing my inadequacies.  I want to be happy in my own skin, feel comfortable with how I present myself and my beliefs, but these are all things I struggle with.  I’ve gained weight since losing all my Bro baby weight.  I’m constantly judging myself and feeling judged by others (who probably aren’t).  I want to teach my girls just to be happy and healthy, yet it’s something I struggle with on a daily basis.

I get jealous easily.  Little things, big things.  I am frequently reminding myself that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and to appreciate everything I have, and simply giving thanks to God for everything in my life.  But.  I envy.  Another Mom is in much better shape than I am, wish I had her body, someone appears to have no debt and live extravagantly, wish I had money like them, someone is always super organized, house clean and on the ball, wish I could be all of those things, someone is having another baby, wish I was having another baby.  A year ago I was given a huge wake up call when two different people, who appeared to have perfect lives  (to me) , world’s came crashing down.  I thought about how at that point they would probably like to trade places with me.  It was a reality check that I frequently go back to.

I love baths.  I don’t like to sit in a tub for a long time, but I love to soak in the tub while the water is running and bubbles are going. Apparently I passed this love down to all my children,because whenever I try to sneak in a bath alone someone immediately realizes it and manages to find me and jump right in.

I cannot keep up with laundry.  There have been a few times (like less than 5) in the past several YEARS that I’ve managed to catch up with the laundry, but those minutes were fleeting and more often than not there is a huge pile of laundry visible in my house. 

My dog will always be my first baby.  People told me I wouldn’t love him the same when I had my kids, and I don’t love him the same as them, but he is still my baby.  He still snuggles up in bed with me.  I didn’t think he’d ever love anyone more than he loves me, but he does.  He is G’s dog now.

I fear the unknown, change and death of people I love.  After working with people who were dying I thought I understood death.  Then my Grandparents died and I realized I didn’t know anything about death and grief.  I understand the dying process.  It’s the recovery part that really sucks. 

I wish I could write the way I think things out.  I always have great plans for blogging, but they just don’t manifest in the same way I thought they would.  I don’t blog for others, mainly for myself and my children. Just to have a record of what our life was like.  So there you have it.  My 8 things.  

9/11, 12 years later

Dear Mamie,

I'm missing you a lot lately.  Sometimes, more often than not, it just feels like you are gone.  Disappeared forever.  I miss being able to call you.  I miss thinking of you and Kenny at Vernon St, even though it's been almost 4 years since you were both there.

Yesterday was 9/11.  Normally 9/11 makes me think of my time in NYC.  Yesterday I thought of you and Kenny.  On the morning of 9/11/2001 I was supposed to have been at my internship on the Lower East Side, but the girl who was starting with me needed an extra week due to some unforeseen circumstances so instead of starting on 9/10/2001 I started my internship on 9/17/2001.  Less than a week after the terrorist attacks.  But I digress, on 9/11/2001 I was with you.

I had slept in the bed I always had.  The twin bed under the small window in D's old room.  It was a beautiful time of year there.  Windows open, chilly at night and first thing in the morning, comfortable during the day.

We sat and watched the coverage on and off all day.  You either in the big green chair (now residing in my living room), while doing the crossword, Kenny in his rocking chair and me on the couch. We had the windows open and there was a nice breeze in the living room.  I think we went to Atkins, though I don't remember exactly if it was that day, but I think it was.  More than anything it was just a normal nice day for us.  Just being together.  Puttering around the house.  Watching the toob.  A day that if it hadn't been for the 9/11, I probably wouldn't have remembered little things.

I woke up thinking about that morning yesterday, and how much I loved you and how much I loved Vernon St, how much we all loved Vernon St.

It's been 4 months now.  I still think of you every day.  I smile writing that, because you always told me not to sit and mope around, and I'm not, but little things remind me of you each day.  The cardinals in my back yard that refuse to come to my GD bird feeder (as Kenny would have said), the strawberry Rubarb cake at a local baked goods store.  I think of you when I iron, because we used to talk while I ironed.  lol, you could never believe the amount of laundry I did, and really, neither can I.

G and K love to hear about you.  G remembers going to your house.  K just likes to hear about how she is named for you and Kenny, and that so many things in our house used to be yours.  G likes to hear stories about her visits with you, while K wants exact details about you, your house, and your life.

I know with all my being and because of my faith, that you are in Heaven, probably living it up with Kenny, Jeff, your Mother and Father, but goodness sometimes I just feel like there is just an empty space where you used to be.  As you used to say, "I'm feeling a bit lonesome, a bit out of touch."

I've been reading some of your journals.  I love them.  They're you.  They're positive.  There's not one negative word in them.  They include daily tibits of your life, which I love.  Glimpses into my life at the time you were writing them, and quick glimpses into the lives of everyone in our family.  All upbeat.  No matter what was going on at the time, you kept your writing kind.  Full of emotion, but always tender hearted.

Bong, Bong, Bong...I Love You.

You understood that til the end.  No matter how confused you were during our phone conversations.  We always ended with our hearts and minds in sync.

Dear Mean Neighbors

Dear Mean Neighbors,

I’m sitting in our back yard right now, feeling calm, listening to the sounds of my children playing and our nice neighbors talking and playing music.  It’s a peaceful Sunday afternoon.  You haven’t taken that away from us.  Daddy P had a nice long chat with your neighbors, and they love the work we are doing on the yard, and complimented us on our “pretty” dogs. 

An hour ago, a week ago, two weeks ago, I’ve had moments of anger, rage and hatred for you.  For opening my own eyes to the cruelty of the world, for giving my daughter nightmares, but I’ve also had moments like right now, which I am going to aim for thus forward. 

The word’s of the Lord’s Prayer keep going through my mind, “and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”.  I forgive you.  I want to live in peace now, even if you don’t.  I don’t want to live obsessed with looking out my window, worrying about what you are going to do next.

I’m not going to give you the power to upset my day anymore.  I’m going to smile and wave at you, and hope you have a nice day, and really mean it.  You can choose to be mean and nasty and vile.  I’m going to choose to be nice and kind and loving.

Dear World

Dear World,

Today I sent out two huge pieces of my heart, walking, talking, living, breathing pieces of me.  My babies that grew within me.  You don’t see them as I do, won’t take care of them as I do, to you they must seem like normal children, sometimes whiny, annoying, with sticky hands and noses filled with boogies and sometimes even wet pants or scrapped knees, but to me they are the precious bundles of joy that I brought home 4 & 5 years ago.  My babies.  It makes it easier knowing that I've sent them to a place filled with love, a place I can visit any time I like, where the teachers, other parents and most of the school staff have known them since birth.  A place where they've grown close to friends, and where they will only be separated by one wall, but it’s still hard.

I can’t count the times someone has said to me, “Don’t blink, they’ll be grown up”, and it is so very true.  Time has never passed so quickly since G was born.  Just the other day I was telling something that these last 5 years of my life have been the best ever, what I have wanted from the time I was a little girl, and yet the time is fleeting.  Soon Bro will be in school, and my years being a “SAHM” will be over.  I dread that time.  Sure there are days that I long for quiet or a break, time not to have to be on high alert about everything, but now, as I sit here in a quiet house, with no screams, giggles, cries or fights to settle I feel alone (even as Bro sits here nursing and sleeping in my lap), there will be no art projects making a sticky, glittery mess on my kitchen table, no massive tea parties (using real water of course), just me and Bro, to do and go as we please.  And while that may be easier than having all 3, I will be running to the store during daytime hours and not getting a massive headache, I will be folding laundry with no one jumping in it, I already miss my sweet G and my sweet K.

I’m off to fold my laundry, cry my tears and snuggle my sweet boy.

Be kind to my girls World.  They’re still in a safe circle of love and warmth and protection at their sweet school, but it’s not the same as Mommy’s care.

It's been...

Dear Mamie,

Five years ago we were getting ready to bring a very small G up to meet you and Kenny.  We had a great 4^th of July together, and celebrated Kenny’s birthday together.

3 years ago we dropped everything and drove up to spend time with you and Kenny.  We had a great Memorial Day with you, took a picture of you, Kenny and baby K together, and returned home on June 6. 

Less than a week later we returned to attend Kenny’s wake and funeral.

4 Monday’s ago we were at Disney World. 

Then we were home for a day.

3 Monday’s ago Mom, Bro  and I were flying up to you, praying we would make it in time to see you.

On Tuesday night, after you had slept all day, I looked up and you were staring at Bro, a smile on your face.  You hadn’t been awake all day, and we didn’t know if you’d be awake again.  It was a good few hours with you.  I’m glad you knew we were there.  I’m glad you got to see Bro play.

On Thursday afternoon I was holding Bro at the foot of your bed and he kept waving to the ceiling, "Hi Puppa, Hi!" excitedly.  I didn't know it at the time, but now I think Kenny was there, waiting to greet you.

2 Monday’s ago we celebrated your life and buried you and that night Mom, Bro and I were back home.

Two and a half weeks have passed since you died.  I’m not going to lie.  The first days after you died were a blur.  We were going non stop. 

Then I got home.

I had to be a Mom…make breakfast (and lunches, and dinner),  change diapers, kiss hurts away, wash, fold and repeat the laundry cycle, read stories, etc. 

I know you know this, but Mommy’s don’t cry, they are strong and brave and able to fix things with a kiss.  Mommy’s are the ones who take care of everyone else.  As G and K have recently said, “Mommy is the boss of Daddy P and Grampy, and Grammy is the boss of Mommy—only Grammy can tell you what to do Mommy!!!”

What I wanted to do was sit and cry, and grieve for you.  What I wanted was a few more minutes with you at Vernon St.  And while I think I’ll want that forever, now what I want is to talk to you one more time. 

The quiet times in the mornings are the hardest for me.  They were when I used to call you.  Almost every morning.  Even if I didn’t talk to you I’d talk to your nurse.  It’s hard to have the quiet time and not be able to call you.

I’m also brought to tears when someone tells me they are sorry for my loss.  Something about hearing that makes it more real.  I read through a lot of sympathy cards last night, all expressing fond memories of you, and making your departure more real to me.

I miss you in a lot of little ways and know I will for a long time to come.

I had you in my life for almost 35 years.  I'm so lucky to have had you that long.

Alpha and Omega, as you always used to say.

Mamie

Dear Mamie,

A little over week ago I sat in your room, holding your hand, combing your hair, putting on your lipstick and making sure you looked “sharp”, as there were a parade of visitors coming to say Good Bye to you.

I slept in your bed, snuggled up close to you, as I promised I would, sang “On Eagle’s Wings” and “Be Not Afraid” to you. 

 Helped the CNA’s wash you and care for your mouth.

One week ago today, I calmed you when you woke, panic stricken and full of anxiety. 

I touched your arm as you took your last breaths.

I washed your hands, face and mouth after you died.

I combed your hair after you died.

I sat and held your hand, still warm, until the man from the funeral parlor came, and then I helped move your body to the stretcher, gave you one last kiss while your face was soft and not too cold, covered your body with blankets and pushed your body out to the hearse.

I wrote out a Eulogy for you, some while we were on the plane.

Mamie,

As I sit here on the plane, racing up to see you, to give you one last hug so many memories are flooding my mind.

I remember standing at your old sink, “helping” you wash dishes, going to the beach, Look Park, Bart’s, and most of all just being together at Vernon St. 

The time you were in the kitchen, looked up and saw Drew above you, kneeling on all fours on the sky light, waving in at you!

More recent memories include the times you met each of my children, especially K, and the time we were leaving to head back home and G looked back at you expectantly, saying, “Come on Mamie”.

In past weeks our conversations had been harder, with more silence on your end, and during one call when I asked you if you were there, you had a moment of clarity, saying “phone conversations were hard now, but we were both trying so desperately to stay in touch.  

Another time, just a few weeks ago, during a period of more silence, I jokingly asked you if you thought I should have another baby.  You let out a guttural “NO”, so I knew you were still there (inside and out).

Mamie, to even try to list out the many things I loved about you would seem insignificant.
Thank you for your love, the gift of your faith, for teaching me that sometimes it is ok to break the rules, and for being the  very best Grandmother.

In December 2004, Annie hosted a family reunion, and during it each of your Grandchildren wrote a snippet to you.  I will close with each inscription: (Grammatical Errors Included)

Sheila:  Dear Mamie, You are so important to us!  I love you!  (heart) Sheila

Annie:  Dear Grandma, You are the best grandma evea!  (drawn out picture of eye, heart, u) Annie Louise

Tom:  Dear Mamie I love you. Tom

Nate:  Thanks for all the good times Nate

Kenneth W. Laughton

Dear Mary, You’re one of the best impacts that I’ve had on my life.  Thank you for everything Love, Andrew.

Bong, Bong, Bong, I Love You!

Weaned

Dear K,

Today marks the end of your 3rd day not nursing.

 I haven't heard, "Nursey me Mommy, nursey me" since sometime on Sunday.  You haven't nursed since sometime Sunday.

 This is the longest you've ever been  around me and not asked to nurse.  I'm guessing it means you have weaned yourself.  It's what I wanted, what G did, and what I hope Bro will do.  I don't remember our last nursing session, just that it was sometime Sunday, and I had no thoughts that you were going to wean anytime soon.

I'm glad it's happend the way I wanted, but I'm also sad, because it is such a milestone for us, for you.

I wanted you to self wean.  People, close family members included felt it was long past time for you to wean, but I knew you would wean when you were ready. Pushing you to do something that you are not ready for has never worked for you and I knew, we knew, what you needed and what was best, you and me.    Nursing helped you calm down, to settle yourself, to center yourself for as long as you nursed.  It helped you in a way that nothing else could.  I'm happy to have nursed you for these 3 years and 9 1/2 months.  You never had "nursey" all to yourself, when you were born G was still nursing, and now Bro is nursing.  You've always shared nursey well.

K, my sweet, spirited, strong willed, loving girl, I am so blessed to be your Mommy.  I am so happy I nursed you until you decided you were done.

"5"

Dear G,

One month ago you turned five. 

5

Five seems so old.

I remember when you were a baby, and I would see Mother's calling their 5 year old their baby.  I would smirk to myself and think to myself, that's no baby lady.  

But.

Now I understand.  

They aren't just seeing that knobby kneed, tantrum throwing, sweet as can be child, who  asks a million questions about everything and always wants Mommy to spell something or explain something or carry them upstairs.  

They We are seeing the teeny tiny baby they we took home from the hospital.  The baby we cried with as she got hurt for the first time, who we watched take her first steps, listened to her first words, who cried on the first day of preschool.  The baby inside of the little person who still needs Mommy to make things better. Mommy to hold them and help them and love them.

I still call you my baby, and you frequently take objection to this.  "I'm not a baby Mommy!"

But, as I tell you, sweet girl,

You will always be my sweet, first, baby girl.  Forever and ever.

I can’t trick myself into thinking you are still a toddler, and it’s even tough to pass you off as preschooler.  It’s hard to believe you've been with us for half of a decade, and in 15 more years you’ll be 20.

When I think about how quickly the time has passed since you've been born I’m in shock.  Looking back it seems like you were just born, yet at the same time I can’t remember what life was like without you.  Until you were born I never found a “job” that I loved.  When you were born I quit my job and became a stay at home Mom to you, and then to K and then to Bro, and I found my place in the world.  It may be hard for some to understand, but becoming a Mother and staying home with my children is what I dreamed of doing from childhood.  I love my life raising you, K & Bro.  Though you love school, and it is good for you, I hate sending you off each day, and look forward to you coming home and to your days off.  You add laughter and love to every day.  You listen to everything that is said around you.  You understand so many things, sometimes things that you shouldn’t ;)

You were born a sweet and sensitive little soul and still are.  You can pick up on anyone’s mood without them speaking a word.  In some ways this is good, you are so empathetic, so kind, caring and loving.  But what a burden it puts on you when someone is stressed, angry, frustrated or mad.  Especially if that someone is me!  I am striving to teach you that you are not responsible if someone isn't happy, and in the same sense that it isn’t your responsibility to make someone feel happy.

Many people, including Daddy, Grampy, & Grammy, think you are a little me.  And many times the words and phrases that you speak are exactly what I would have said, with the same intonation.  Just the other day when Bro had scraped up his toes (actually I scraped up his sweet little toes while pushing him in his car) you said, “Awe, come here sweet baby, let G help you”.  It is something I have said to you and to Bro and K and even Cody many times.  This is good and bad, and I’m trying to watch how I speak.  I try to teach you and your siblings to use kind and loving words, to obey and be respectful, and in doing so am also improving myself.

A snapshot of you at 5:

Weight:  39lbs

Height:

• You love the color pink.  You only want to wear pink things, head to toe.
• You love princesses and baby dolls.  All of your dolls are named “Sally”.  You have an 18inch doll named Sally and have several matching outfits. 
• You love make up, and on the rare occasion I need or want to wear makeup, I can find it squirreled away in either your room, bathroom or princess vanity.
• You love to be outside, barefoot, running, playing, climbing, bike riding, swinging, etc.  We have even started eating a lot of our meals outside!
• You write well, can spell several words, and are starting to read, much to the delight of Grammy ;)
• You are a collector of things.  Every so often I have to clean out your closet, back packs, car seat, etc.  You like to save things and most often know where everything you want is.
• You make your own things to eat.  “Chocolate milk” ie Carnation Instant Breakfast, Mac n Cheese, you make these things completely on your own.  You also love to help me cook, and especially love to help Grammy & Grampy cook.
• You pick fresh flowers for me every day.
• You are taking ballet and shine in it.  You concentrate so hard, and come out of your shell during each class.
• Your best friend, other than K, is Natalia. 
• You are a little Mommy, always helping me around the house, “mothering” K, Bro, Cody, and any other babies we might have visiting for the day.
• You can throw an impressive tantrum ;) Running to your room, slamming the door, all while screaming, “I’m never never NEVER, never, never, never, never, never, never NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER coming out again”, but always emerge from your room happily, be it on your own, or after a quiet talk with Mommy or Daddy.

I love you my sweet G.  As we say each night, "I love you more than you love the color pink, more than you love Disney World, more than I love Diet Coke, more than we love the beach, more than we love Disney World.  Forever and ever and ever.  To the moon and the stars and Jupiter and mars.  I love you most of all.  More than anyone else can or will ever love you.  Because you grew under my heart."